I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
