just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
