I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
