My nipple is on Facebook.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
My liver just had a heart attack.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
