All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
