Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
