Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
