My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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