So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize