So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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