M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
