I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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