I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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