You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Randomize
