Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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