I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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