Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize