Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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