I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize