Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
