i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
