it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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