got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
