the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
