You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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