I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
