I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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