my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
