I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize