The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
