I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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