If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
that is very illegal...i love you.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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