Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
