1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I touched a dick in church today
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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