I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
