I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
