I just pynch a tree in the face
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
false alarm, still single
Randomize
