He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
