At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
