No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
