I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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