someone threw a dead crab at me
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
