If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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