I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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