it was like his penis was on wheels.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
