Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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