I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
