It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
operation have a gay friend backfired
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
This toilet bowl is my home.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
