once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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