Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
