So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize