I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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