I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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