If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
