i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize